Conflicted Love in a Dystopian World

Am I The Asshole for "leading on" three different men when I'm just trying to survive?

I (F,33) am a Handmaid, means my entire job is to have a baby for my boss, the Commander so

were forced to have sex while i lay in between his wife legs which is hella awkward.

The commander has driver named Nick and hes so fine shyt and i dont like sleeping with

old men so i started sleeping with Nick bc hes so hot but also so that we can also try to

make a baby. on top of that I'm still 1000% in love with my actual husband who I was with before

this whole country turned into a cult. I don't even know if he's alive but the chokehold that

man still has on me is genuinely unreal. Everyday i do nothing but stare out the