Dating Sabrina Carpenter: Near-Zero Odds

Ever wonder what the odds are of you dating Sabrina Carpenter while you’re single,

fat, broke, and f-ing living off instant noodles? First,

there’s population math. Over 8 billion people exist on Earth. Only one of them

is Sabrina. Statistically, that’s like winning the f-ing lottery, getting struck by

lightning, and being abducted by aliens all at the same time. Next,

she’s a celebrity. Her schedule is jam-packed with tours, recording sessions,

photoshoots, and fan events. Even if you somehow existed in the same city,

security and management make her dating pool tighter than your f-ing hoodie after a cheat day.