Gerald, The Raccoon Spy

Last month I befriended a raccoon in my backyard. Named him Gerald. I taught him

to high five. He was a quick learner. Then Gerald brought his cousin.

Turns out his cousin was dating my ex. We planned to steal my neighbor's

garden gnome as a prank. Gerald was lookout. His cousin quickly grabbed the gnome.

I grabbed what I thought was the getaway bag. My neighbor's lunch. We're running,

sirens blaring in the distance. Suddenly, I realized the gnome was glowing.

Like radioactive glowing. My ex calls. She says Gerald isn't actually a raccoon.

The line goes dead. An unsettling silence follows. Now there's a