Minecraft: A Lesson in False Security

Bro tell me why I was playing Minecraft at like 2 a.m. right? And I’m just mining, minding my business,

life is peaceful, vibes are immaculate. Then I hear a psssss sound. Pause.

Because why is a creeper emotionally attached to me. So I start running, but you know how

Minecraft sprinting works — it’s like your character suddenly remembers they have asthma.

I fall into a hole, my pickaxe breaks, and I’m just standing there like… this is how it ends.

But wait, it gets worse. A skeleton pulls up like it’s his shift at work.

This man does NOT miss. Every arrow is personal. I’m blocking, jumping,

spinning, doing parkour for NO reason. And right when I’m on half a heart,