The Art of Pretending to Sleep

“Bro why did pretending to be asleep feel like a life-or-death mission. The second I heard

footsteps I stopped breathing like I was in a spy movie. I’m laying there stiff as a plank,

eyes closed, thinking ‘don’t move, don’t blink, don’t EXIST.’ Then

my stomach growls. LOUD. Like it wanted attention. I panic-snored to cover it up and

somehow snored even louder. At that point I wasn’t asleep, I was performing.

I deserved an Oscar… or to get caught immediately.”