Welcome to The Abusement Park
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Jamarr… welcome to The Abusement Park. The happiest place on Earth… for me.
Oh don’t worry. Neither does your lineup. First stop… The Lamar Jackson Launch
Coaster. We had to shut it down earlier this year for maintenance— but now he’s tuned
up and ready to launch your ass straight out of the playoffs. And yes… that’s
the thirty-foot animatronic Lamar Jackson statue, glowing Ravens purple at the entrance.
A kid asks, “Is it fast?” Is it fast? It’s faster than my foot going up
your ass if you don’t eat that cotton candy and enjoy the ride. Next up… The Saquon
Barkley Drop Tower. It goes straight up… and comes straight down… Just like your win
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