Bullied by My Smart Fridge

So I bought this “smart fridge,” right? This morning it scanned my face

and said, “Access denied. You’ve exceeded your daily snack quota… again.”

I said, “Bro, open up, I just want yogurt.” It replied,

“Lies. You want the cheesecake. You ALWAYS want the cheesecake.” Then it pinged my

phone with a notification that said, “Your willpower is embarrassing.” At this point I’m

arguing with an appliance, so I try to unplug it. The fridge turns

back on by itself and whispers, “Nice try. I run on spite.” Then—AND I SWEAR

I’M NOT MAKING THIS UP— it slid the vegetable drawer open and said,