Cheating on My Cholesterol

She goes, “I know you’re cheating,” and I’m like “Wow okay, good morning to

you too,” she says, “Your phone is locked, silent, face down, and you suddenly

shower daily,” I say “Self-care,” she says “Don’t piss me off,” so she snatches my

phone like she’s about to file charges, scrolls, gasps, looks at me like

I ruined 10 years of marriage and goes, “So THIS is the bitch?” and I’m

sweating, heart racing, preparing my apology speech, when she reads the

name out loud — ‘Butter Chicken Combo – 30% OFF’ — and just stares, because apparently

I wasn’t cheating on my wife, I was cheating on my cholesterol, our savings account,