Condiment Hair Care Chronicles

Girl, I found the secret to shiny, luscious hair. Oh Lord,

not again. The last time you said that, you rubbed guacamole and ranch dressing

into your scalp. That was moisturizing, Marla. But this time—this time—I went gourmet.

Mayonnaise. Mustard. A dash of barbecue sauce. What are you,

a hair stylist or a Fourth of July cookout? Don’t mock the science. The mayo adds shine,

the mustard stimulates growth, and the BBQ sauce adds... flavor.

Flavor?! Who you trying to impress, the raccoons? Listen,

they have beautiful fur. Well, I once tried honey and ketchup.